When I was a grade school kid I judged my worth based on how good I was in sports and how fast I could run, and that led to me feeling quite mediocre about myself. I was either the slowest or next to the slowest boy in elementary school. I was nearly a year younger than most of my classmates and one of the smallest boys. I was very shy, and until the second grade, nobody realized I was nearly legally blind. Even though I was one of the smartest kids I wasn’t smart enough to figure out why I couldn’t see the blackboard and my teacher thought I had some kind of learning disability. Once I got a pair of eyeglasses I became one of the teacher’s pets smart kids. But I was far from cool. Being able to do math brought zero street cred to Boomer generation kids in school. Through junior high (this was before middle school was a thing) I continued to see myself as a nerd. Smart, but lacking much other appeal.
It took until my junior year in high school until things began to change. I hit a growth spurt and caught up with most of my classmates. I gained a lot of confidence after some real spiritual growth and agreeing to star in a musical play that our youth group preformed on a cross country tour. I was accepted by popular kids as a peer for what felt like the very first time. I fell in love with a gloriously attractive girlfriend and worked some good paying part time jobs. All of that led me to a major insight into life. There are no cool kids! I had envied and day dreamed about being the high school quarterback with the head cheerleader beside me at the prom. I thought those popular teenagers had it made, and that it was pretty unfair that the genetics fairy had blessed me with a nice brain but not enough of the stuff that impressed other teens. But when I got to know some of the “in” crowd it was glaringly obvious that they were at least as insecure and self conscious as I was. They were good at projecting what they thought everyone expected to see, but they were as angst ridden and imposter theory beset as I was, on my worst day.
I learned that all it took to be cool was to act as if you were cool and confident. As Shakespeare wrote, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players”. And although I didn’t have much self confidence at first I really was a natural when it came to acting. And I found that by focusing on the things I had done that seemed impossible at the time such as acting, dating, making a sports team and excelling in school, that I was able to build confidence to shore up my performance and give it bones. That carried me through college and then when I landed a job that let me leverage my intellect, my life really took off. It wasn’t about being the fastest or the strongest anymore, but the most mentally agile and intuitive. Suddenly I was winning and winning big in the work world. They hadn’t seen an engineer with more talent and I was fast tracked to bigger things. I truly had a joyful career.
I’ve often wondered, if I had never acted in that play because of the fear I felt, would I have taken a different path. If I had never had that amazing girl friend, so out of my league, would I have been an underachiever for the rest of my life? Without the confidence that I could be as good as any of the cool kids would I have stepped out into the high risk high reward situations that made my career successful? It was more than just those two choices, but they started me on a path to consistently say yes to things that felt terrifying. Because I could look back and see that almost every time I took the big risk I got the big reward. And when I did fail, it was never fatal, and usually taught me something very valuable.
I’m not sure why, in my senior retirement, I thought back to my adolescent and teen years today. But I’m glad I did. Life turns on the smallest of decisions. We lie to ourselves when we say, “It doesn’t matter if I turn this opportunity down. There will be others.” Because just like acting with courage makes you courageous, acting in fear makes you a coward. And every time you let fear stop you from stepping ahead you slip further behind. There is a point, I think, where you will no longer even notice the opportunities because you have turned so many away. Conversely, I don’t have to weigh the fear of failure or embarrassment any more when an opportunity presents itself, because I’ve conditioned myself to grab on to opportunities. It’s a habit anyone can build. It’s starts out as the scariest thing you’ve ever done, but the rewards are bountiful.
There are no cool kids who are destined from birth to have it all. We all face fear when opportunities show up at our door. And we all get to decide to push past fear or to surrender to it. What are you going to do?
Do you think that some people are destined to be popular, wealthy and outrageously happy with no effort expended? The Cool Kids?
Or are the Cool Kids just the same as the rest of us. With the same fears, and perhaps not a bit happier than everyone else?
Did you ever grab on to a frightening opportunity and have it change your life for the better?
Very interesting post. Really resonated with me. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn this until after I was out of high school a couple of years. Actually, took me most of my twenties to figure out to move outside of my comfort zone. Maybe not life changing to others, and may seem small, but it made a huge difference in my life. I took a trip completely on my own to Toronto. Had so much fun. And it showed me that the world didn’t give a hoot if I didn’t have a significant other I could do it on my own and still have fun.
That is truly awesome Suzie! The main thing is you did learn it, and it’s not a small thing, it’s a huge thing! It’s so sad to me that so many people might miss living their best life just because they aren’t as brave as you were. I’m glad you are.
Beautiful post!
Thank you Janet, I just wish everyone realized most fears are overblown and are hiding real opportunities.
My observation of my high school senior kid and his friends shows a different experience. Some kids naturally adjust to different peer situations and are more socially adept than others. Everyone needs to find their lane, interests, strengths, identity, etc. Some are late bloomers and some are more natural social animals. All can succeed and be happy but some need more time to mature and discover themselves.
As for me, I was a “loser” in middle and high school with a few geeky friends and low “status” but found my lane and am happy. My kid has far more easily adapted in his high school years.
I don’t know, it doesn’t sound that different. I was the same for 11 of my K-12 years. And a whole lot of people would see me as still leaning heavily nerd with my chemical engineering degree. But you and I found our lane, found the life we could live fully. That’s no small thing. I’m sure many would find my life mundane, but it is rich to me. It’s more than I ever expected. It sounds to me like you are living a very good life and I feel mine is pretty good too. But I’m still not a cool kid at heart, but I also know nobody really is.
It’s funny that you say that. I’ve observed the people who really ARE born with good looks, wealthy parents, etc – I don’t mean the kids at school, I mean the kind you see on TV – often wind up unhappy, in debt, isolated, on drugs, in jail and so forth. Certainly not always, but frequently enough to be notable.
The same goes for lottery winners. A vivid example is the story of Jack Whittaker, a West Virginia businessman who won the Powerball in 2002.
I also remember reading a story about a football player who won the Super Bowl, and after the game was over, he was sitting in his hotel room after the festivities, thinking “Is that it?”
There seems to be something in the human mind where you have to work toward your goals. If everything you ever wanted is delivered on a silver platter, it seems to be mentally unhealthy for us.
I guess we always have to have something to strive for. Striving keeps us happy, or at least focused and sane.
So, in a sense, you’re right. Nobody has it all together. Especially not the people who appear to.
Very true. Life is hard for everyone. For those who work for nothing but have everything the search for meaning is particularly difficult. For the rest the attempt to fight for money, power, love and/or fame keeps the illusion just out of reach so there is a reason to keep pushing toward a goal not yet attained. I have a handful of billionaire friends due where I live and where I worked. They are no less happy nor happier than I am. They are great people because they see their wealth as a responsibility to steward well. They worked hard at challenging jobs in their family companies because they had good parents who realized that wealth without duty would destroy them. And they have the same fears and frustrations that we all do.
Great observations, Steve!
It’s especially good that, unlike me, you personally know a couple billionaires. Not surprised that all that money doesn’t make them any happier. I just wish more people understood that.
“Fake it til you make it” comes to mind. Everyone who has success in life can remember feeling like a “pretender”. And then…you’re not.
Success takes initiative, overcoming fear, and a willingness to stretch outside your comfort zone. The ultimate cool kids are the ones who figure that out.
Fritz, I always feel like I see the world in a similar vein as you. Just not as clearly! Thank you.
Reading this blog brought back me back to my own memory lane, and in all honesty, I would take the same path again in the next life (if it is possible).
Each and every life on this earth is a miracle, however, these individual lives are constantly being influenced (good or bad) by the environments, families, friends, schools and churches.
If you have made half way and still have good health, financial security, the love of your life and a strong sense of humanity keep on doing what you do. Otherwise, look forward of the road ahead and take actions to shore up the areas that need improvement.
That’s such a good description of living intentionally, Engineer! I feel for those who are not content but also are not confident enough to risk change.
Long time reader first time comment. Just wanted to say thanks for blogging. Always enjoy your thoughts as you lay out the path of how to live in retirement
Thanks Vader, I appreciate you saying that! I’ve always blogged to express myself, but at the same time hoped others would find some value in what I think I’ve learned over these decades of life.
Everything is written very truthfully. That’s how it is in life! What I like – you honestly wrote everything, without embellishment. You need to define the right criteria by which to measure your success. Which will not come into conflict with their own “I”.
Thanks Illia! I appreciate your comment.