I’ve read a lot of articles that advise if you can’t say “Hell Yes!” Then you need to say no. They basically are conveying the idea that a life that is over committed is not a good life. It is a life of people pleasing mediocrity. And every time I see this I feel a huge wave of cognitive dissonance sweep over me. Because, you see, that’s not how I have lived my life.
First let me explain what I think is wrong with the “Hell yes or it’s a firm no” strategy of living. Very simply, it is selfish. The world, and even your precious life is not all about you, or about maximizing your own happiness. I say that for lots of reasons, maybe the foremost being that headlong pursuit of happiness is the worst way to attain it. Happiness is better found in being grateful, being content with what you already have and in helping others. Getting out of your own head and your own wish list of desires is easier if you reach out a hand to help someone else. Putting their needs ahead of your own is the antithesis of being selfish, it is being selfless. And almost every time there is an opportunity to help another person it shows up in the form of the classic yes or no decision. And it is rarely, if ever, a “Hell yes”. In fact it usually feels like a strong no at first.
Take passing a car stalled on the side of the road with an obviously stranded driver. Now this is a rural example, it may not be a safe thing to do in the metro world, but stay with me anyway. You can stop and help or drive on by. Why you would stop is no mystery, you would only do that to help someone out. You would only do it because you empathize with their plight. But the reasons why you might not stop, those are legion. Fear of intruding, fear of getting involved with someone who might not be stable or safe. You’ve got places to be and things to do and your time is important. Stop and help, that’s all about them. Drive on by, that’s all about you. And most likely you’ll never ever feel a “Hell yes” when it comes to assisting a stalled motorist. But I’ve done this many times and every time, even if I got soaked helping push a car out of the road in a pouring rainstorm, in my best suit, it felt great. It made me happy!
I’ve told the story before of a pivotal moment in my teen years that changed my entire life. Me, the shyest and most awkward wall flower in my class, agreed to take a lead role in a musical play. We performed that play many times and in front of thousands of people. I was terrified, there was no “Yes” in me at all. I was so firmly opposed to the idea of going down in flames in front of my peers that it made me shake to even consider. But I said yes, somehow I sensed that if I could do this my life could turn a corner. And it did. I went from seeing myself as a nerd with awful social skills to being kind of a cool kid in my own way. And from then on I decided to always say yes unless there were very solid reasons to say no. And fear of failure was not allowed to be a reason.
That philosophy, of always saying yes, led me from company intern to the guy that ran the division for our Fortune 500 corporation. It led me to testifying before both House and Senate committees in DC and it led me to becoming a first responder and firefighter who brought a dead coworker back to life with CPR. It got me a wonderful life partner and three great kids. It made a slightly early retirement with no money worries possible. And to be honest it led to some spectacular failures too. The kind where I now shake my head and say, “What was I thinking?” But the worst that ever happened is I learned more about myself. Looking back at even the worst of my failures, they seem more amusing now than painful.
So what about over committing and being a people pleaser. Over committing is a modern myth in my opinion. That old saying about giving a task that must be done quickly to the busiest person you know, that’s a truism because it is true! We aren’t that busy, not really. Not to the point that we can’t help someone else. If they are asking you to say yes they are just asking for help. As for pleasing people, what is that? Pleasing people is adding to their happiness, right? And that is a good thing. How helping others feel better ever got a bad name is beyond me. I think it is one of our best purposes. So mark me down as someone who sees great value in pleasing other people. That’s providing good service, that’s having happy customers, that’s having raving fans.
The day I wake up and think I need to say no to everything that doesn’t fire me up immediately is the day I start to die. I would not have finished a single one of the marathons I ran if I needed a “Hell yes” to keep running to the finish. I wouldn’t have done any of the hard things that got me ahead in the world of business. I wouldn’t have been the kind of parent that required accountability from and granted trust to my children. And I wouldn’t be the happy person I am now.
It isn’t a one time thing to say yes, in spite of misgivings and fears. You do get much better with practice but every time you say yes to something outside of your zone of comfort it is going to scare you. But that is so much better than rationalizing your way to saying no by telling yourself you are too busy. Too busy to do what? Too busy to win? Too busy to be happy by helping someone else? Too busy to change your life? You are never too busy for that.
What do you think, is this heresy to say yes instead of no? Am I full of myself and just don’t understand your life?
How do you decide when to say yes? Have you ever said yes in spite of fear, what happened?
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